30 November 2008

the path & the calling.

I am in the midst of a process of letting go of many things, but most of all of a love that grew too difficult to sustain. The past several days have been so excruciatingly slow and difficult, minutes dripping slowly from one to the next, time standing nearly still as I sift through and simmer in so many feelings. I am drawing them all out from the recesses of my mind, and trying to face them rationally rather than emotionally. For when I am centered, peaceful, and rest in reason, I see that I am in precisely the right place at this moment in my life. I stand at a crossroads, and must choose my own path; where this path will lead I cannot know... non mi รจ dato di sapere. But that's the beauty of it, no? The future is so full of possibility.

I feel in my heart of hearts that la mano del destino is calling me to devote myself now to family and to follow-through, and then to learning and wisdom. And I know that ultimately this is the path that I must follow, regardless of the form that it takes. I must dedicate my life to the seeking of the sacred. My life's work will be composed of deep spirituality and truth and beauty, of passion and of light. And I must give myself to that now.

I cannot be tied down to a person or a place or a myriad of fantasies at this time. I must be free, unattached, placid, silent. I must empty myself and let the breath of the spirit move through me, that I will know in which direction to take my next step. And that is what these next several months are about. Venturing inward, reexamining my desires, my fears, my hopes, my insecurities, my power, my limitations. And this can only be done within, alone, without anyone to hold my hand. Thus I stand strong, and I change the tune of my song, for time flies onward.

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