It is [and has always been] about the experience. Let go, and don't be afraid.
So I had a rather startling and yet obvious thought tonight: I was dwelling on the heaviness in my heart, on the void that I have felt since the end of my first love, shadows of which have lingered on. And then I asked myself: what is it that I truly miss? Is it him? Am I not over him? It's not about him. It hasn't been in a long time. Perhaps it never was. What I miss is how I felt, who I became when I was with him. It's about me: about who I was, who I became, who I wanted to be, who I became instead, who I then wanted to be, who I am, and who I want to be[come].
I have not yet been able to separate Stella from Elliott, from "Stelliot"; and I must, for the time has come to move along. It's not about him any longer, it's about getting the most out of the experience, receiving and honoring the gifts that it has given me by letting go and retaining all of the wonder, the openness, the grace, the courage to love again and more deeply.
So what is it that I want to take away from this first love? What gifts has it given me? Firstly, it gave me a glimpse of what love can and will one day be, a small taste of the wondrous future that the hand of destiny has in store for me. If not for this experience, I would not have known anything of romantic love. It also helped me to open my heart and to truly wear it on my sleeve for the first time in my life. It taught me that I am open and genuine, and that my heart is full of hope, and that this is my true nature. I even learned from it that I am funny! I learned that I am a rock for others, and must extend this to myself. I began to know who I am in relationship; both the positive and the negative.
And it taught me not to cling, not to fight destiny, to be honest with myself and not to romanticize. It taught me that I cannot wish or will another to change, and that I cannot be angered or hurt by the incapacities and the limitations of another.
And lastly, most importantly, I am learning to let go of all of the hopes, dreams, expectations, projections, idealizations, romanticizations, to break free from their fetters, and to walk forward alone, just me, just Stellina. A new little star that is no longer dependant upon any external source to be her strength, her rock, her shelter, her support system-- for she knows that it is all within her open, genuine, hope-full heart.*