the final push.

In ten days I will have completed my first year in graduate school; one presentation and four papers stand between me and summer, but I can practically taste it. Here in the northeast summer seems to have arrived early. The past few days have been sunny, humid, and upwards of 80 degrees– my summer skirts have finally been released from their dusty prison in the back of my closet! Last night I walked home after a milonga– an evening of tango dancing– without a jacket. Delicious!!

The past month has been a whirlwind of activity, mostly consisting of long days and late nights at the library, and resulting in the some wonderful feedback from my peers. I've been living off of this complement from a third-year graduate student (one of my role models!) for weeks now:

"Tremendous presentation today. You are such a polished and articulate - and SMART scholar. Wow. What fun."

Ahh!!! I don't think I have ever considered myself a scholar, per se, but I suppose I ought to try it on as it appears to fit! I can do this after all. It is going to be a tough push to the end– but I am going to make it! And then: a new European adventure begins. I booked my flight yesterday; my plans are no longer amorphous, but are rather becoming palpable. Soon I will be on the other side of the ocean once again, living in a new land, speaking a new language, becoming a new me... thank you, universe.

thank you, universe.

Some people just have big hearts, Stella. And with this gift they're very often able to feel, offer, and show far more love than they receive from those around them. Which, at times, is a heavy load to bear. So today I'd like to remind them, and especially you, that the sun asks not that the moon and planets help brighten each day, but relishes her role as a keeper of the light and a bringer of the dawn. A role much like your own.

Happy weekend, from the Sun and I -
The Universe

gratitude.

As I walked home today, I reflected on just how blessed I am, and was overcome with gratitude. There are so many things that we take for granted. A beautiful body, an open heart, a sound mind, a pure spirit, for starters. Grace, so much grace that my cup veritably runs over with it. I know that I have earned it (if not in this life then in the last!) and yet that it is a gift from the universe to me. I must do the best that I can, here, now, with what I have, and trust that all that is destined to come to me will come.*

knowingness.

What a momentous time this is in my life. I see many possible pathways before me, and will choose one within the next month or two (or few...), one which may very well be the beginning of my professional career. Whether it is pursuing a PhD, or teaching, or even working nine-to-five, it will be the next step along my journey. And the fact that all is still so open, so full of potential and possibility is so exciting! This openness can also disguise itself as a dark sort of uncertainty when fear enters in, yet now I am peaceful, hopeful, expectant, trusting. For I know that I am always in the right place at the right time, and that the challenges that I am facing are necessary for my own growth. I accept them, and am learning to welcome and embrace them, for they are the means by which I am tested, by which I test myself.

And thus, although some doors are being closed to me, I shall not worry--for others are being opened. I could be in any one of so many positions next year. I have many options, many talents, many skills, and must only apply myself now in setting the pattern for what is to become the next chapter of my life.

Today I had a wonderful thought: who & where & what I am at this moment in time is the sum of all my past experiences, and thus in a sense each and every one of those experiences was necessary to bring me to where I stand now. I see the tiny building blocks coming together. And similarly, some day in the future, I will look back once again and see how all of my life experiences from this point on converged serendipitously, carefully choreographed by the will of God (through the semblance of my own will), to bring me to the precise place, identity, state-of-being that I shall then inhabit. In retrospect I will see how the pieces came together to form the whole, and all of my inconsequential worries about the 'uncertain future' will be remembered wisely with a chuckle and a knowing smile. I will wonder how I ever managed to worry about the graceful path that lay before me, simply because I couldn't see beyond the horizon. Thus, here and now, I have faith that I will be where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing. Quello che deve venire, verrà. *