a year and a day.

A year and a day ago, I thought I was ready to emerge from my silence. But life had other plans for me:  new challenges and opportunities arose, and I chose to address them without recourse to the virtual world. And so the silence endured. But now I am back, and longing to share with you many tales, dreams, and goals, from that summer onward— when I say 'stay tuned', this time I mean it! :)

walking the path in Pienza.

xo, Stella

out of the silence, sound.

After a summer of wonder and growth and discovery, and the coming of a glorious autumn, I am back. I did not intend to be silent for so long: I simply needed some time to myself, in the real world, in which I was not thinking about the virtual world, but really, truly, being present. Not an easy task to accomplish: a daily struggle, in fact, but a beautiful one. And so, I am here, speaking once again, in a voice that is not new but perhaps whose timbre has shifted a little.

There is much that I would like to share from my summer, and will in a series of upcoming posts. Suffice it to say right now that I flew across the pond, to a new land and a new language, in search of a new me. I didn't find her, but somehow, little by little, became her. And she wasn't who I had been expecting. Mentally, I landed clad in black and white: over the course of the coming months I learned to appreciate many shades of grey, whose richness I had thought myself incapable of seeing. I was drawn to surprising things, things which previously might not have even warranted a second glance: now I was chasing them down.

I look forward to sharing my adventures with you... stay tuned! :)

xo
Stella

talent, the double-edged sword.

For about as long as I can remember, things have come naturally to me; in writing, languages, and music, I have been blessed enough to rely upon my talents, and have achieved wonderful things. I graduated summa cum laude from a prestigious university, became fluent in Italian in less than two years, and worked as a professional musician and teacher, to name a few. And although I work hard throughout these years, always striving for excellence, I cannot truly say that I ever put in 100%.

My talents have thus been both a blessing and a curse. "Imagine how well you would have done if you had given it your very best effort," my father has always told me. My responses were usually of the witty, sarcastic variety, and often seasoned with the grain of salt of youthful defiance. But now I am finally beginning to understand just what these words mean for me, for the direction that my life will take: they communicate the vast expanse between complacency and greatness.

Now that I am in graduate school, I find myself in a place in which, for the first time in my life, talent will no longer suffice; I must work harder than ever before. And frankly, I find this a daunting prospect. No longer can I permit myself to simply get a job done, but rather I must hold myself fully accountable for my work, no excuses, no caveats. I have always been a proverbial sprinter, completing tasks at a whirlwind pace, and yet have hardly begun to develop the endurance necessary for the marathon that is an advanced degree.

I had been feeling rather gloomy about this lately, as I had recently received my first faculty review, in which I was told that I "can and should do better." Not that I didn't do well last semester, but there was still that edge that I was lacking– I had once again relied upon my talents, and they were only able to bring me so far.

I thus proceeded to mope around my apartment for a few days, with a presentation looming over my head like a storm cloud of Eeyore-esque proportions. And then it dawned on me that it is entirely within my power to change this, to grow, to learn to do better and to be better. To be who I truly am: to finally begin to explore the depths of my own capabilities rather than to be content with sailing upon the surface of my potential.

If I have come this far simply through talent, imagine what I might achieve if I finally, completely dedicate myself to the task at hand?

So, these are my new goals: to learn the consistency and discipline that I need in order to complete this academic marathon; to hold myself fully accountable for all that I do and to put in my best effort; and to be grateful to already have all of the resources (inner and outer!) that I need. Greatness, here I come! Un passo alla volta...

all is new!

Here's to 2010: may it be a year of love, light, and blessings.

This year my greatest project is to finally get in shape, and maintain it. Once my body is a fit channel, all other aspects of myself will function better as well, emotional, mental, spiritual. I want to truly be in my body, for it is the temple of the living God. I must honor it!

I will also meditate daily, to continually re-center myself upon that which is most important to me. This will be a year of striving to live my ideals every day. I must set the pattern now for the direction in which I want my life to move in the future, and I feel that great and marvelous things await me along my path: I must trust in the abundance of the universe, and honor the divinity within me.

I will practice emotional alchemy, transforming negative emotions into positive ones. The time has come to let go of all past sorrows; they have taught me beautiful lessons, and I am grateful for all that I have learned. I acknowledge that I needed to work through them in order to arrive in the place in which I stand today. But I must continue to move forward. I can no longer allow myself to rub salt in these old wounds, for they must finally heal. This is my true desire: to move towards wholeness through forgiveness and compassion, for others and myself.


With every day and the wonder, beauty, and challenge that it presents, I hope to grow in grace into the woman that I want to be.

beginnings.

The first of the month: a time of new beginnings. Of change, momentous change. And thus I have decided to record my thoughts here in this medium, to release them into the collective consciousness, for I feel that there is a universality in much of what I have to say. We are all beings of love, hope, desire, fear, longing, each of us struggling to find our place in the world, to discover what it is that we were born to do—or, more importantly, who we were born to be, and how we must manifest that energy through our works.

As a twenty-something, I am just beginning this journey of self-exploration, of ‘knowing thyself. ’ I stand before a great crossroads from whence a multitude of paths diverge, and could choose any one of them were I truly devoted to it. Yet I stand here, hesitant, waiting for something to spur me forward, to drag me from my inertia. Ironically, only I can take that first step, and I will know in what direction to move when I am peaceful, for then the still, small voice of intuition will speak through me. When the time comes, I will know. And thus now, at this time of beginnings, I must start to set things in motion.*