The Light in the Piazza

Tonight I took myself out on a lovely date: octopus carpaccio and a glass of pugliese red wine, followed by the theater. I finally saw The Light in the Piazza, and it was lovely, lush, lyrical. And of course I was overcome with waves of nostalgia as my mind wandered back to Firenze, where I, too, first fell in love. What a time of wonder and discovery it was for me… so much hope, and joy, and light. And though it had to end, I wouldn’t trade one moment of it for the world. Some of the lyrics in the show spoke to me so vividly:

“This is wanting something, this is reaching for it,
This is wishing that a moment would arrive.
This is taking chances, this is almost touching what the beauty is…
This is wanting something, this is praying for it,
This is holding breath and keeping fingers crossed.
This is counting blessings, this is wondering when I’ll see that boy again.”

Well, not that boy—his ship sailed long ago, quite literally—but someone new. My heart is still full of hope. But until that time comes, I will continue taking myself out on dates as I did tonight!

girasoli.

"They are spectacular whilst in full bloom, they brilliantly colour the landscape for a few weeks but, soon after, when they begin to fade, there is a long, slow deterioration for at least a couple of months."

[http://www.tuscanyandumbria.typepad.com/]

on sunflowers. rings true on so many levels… when I read this my head spun for a moment, with echoes of memories of a fleeting and faraway time.

but I am here, now, and all is well in the world because I am living my dreams.
Ende der Geschichte. :)

l'amore.

"Amatevi come compagni di viaggio, con questo pensiero d’avere a lasciarvi, e con la speranza di ritrovarvi per sempre."

—A. Manzoni, I Promessi sposi

shadows of love, or some semblance thereof.

It is [and has always been] about the experience. Let go, and don't be afraid.

So I had a rather startling and yet obvious thought tonight: I was dwelling on the heaviness in my heart, on the void that I have felt since the end of my first love, shadows of which have lingered on. And then I asked myself: what is it that I truly miss? Is it him? Am I not over him? It's not about him. It hasn't been in a long time. Perhaps it never was. What I miss is how I felt, who I became when I was with him. It's about me: about who I was, who I became, who I wanted to be, who I became instead, who I then wanted to be, who I am, and who I want to be[come].

I have not yet been able to separate Stella from Elliott, from "Stelliot"; and I must, for the time has come to move along. It's not about him any longer, it's about getting the most out of the experience, receiving and honoring the gifts that it has given me by letting go and retaining all of the wonder, the openness, the grace, the courage to love again and more deeply.

So what is it that I want to take away from this first love? What gifts has it given me? Firstly, it gave me a glimpse of what love can and will one day be, a small taste of the wondrous future that the hand of destiny has in store for me. If not for this experience, I would not have known anything of romantic love. It also helped me to open my heart and to truly wear it on my sleeve for the first time in my life. It taught me that I am open and genuine, and that my heart is full of hope, and that this is my true nature. I even learned from it that I am funny! I learned that I am a rock for others, and must extend this to myself. I began to know who I am in relationship; both the positive and the negative.

And it taught me not to cling, not to fight destiny, to be honest with myself and not to romanticize. It taught me that I cannot wish or will another to change, and that I cannot be angered or hurt by the incapacities and the limitations of another.

And lastly, most importantly, I am learning to let go of all of the hopes, dreams, expectations, projections, idealizations, romanticizations, to break free from their fetters, and to walk forward alone, just me, just Stellina. A new little star that is no longer dependant upon any external source to be her strength, her rock, her shelter, her support system-- for she knows that it is all within her open, genuine, hope-full heart.*

magnetic poetry!

composed on the fridge last night, in Wesley and Alan's apartment in London:


loss

after the autumn
those dreams would come
like a sweet flood
     like a sound from far away

only a wise lone heart
could see rose & gold
in the dark
     once our hour was gone.